Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
sry
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Dune (2021)
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this