My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
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If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
The first matador
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share