Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
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Art by Pastelkatto
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Shower sex be like:
🌱🌱🌱
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same