*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
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Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Coffee for people with no kids
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.