“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
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“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in