As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
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I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
That’s amazing.
What the hell happened here.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]