[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
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I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
#Caturday
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
i actually laughed 😩
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.