To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
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Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Realize this:
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*