I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
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Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
HELP 😭
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*limbos under the caution tape
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?