bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
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common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.