Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
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DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
peep davidson
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.