My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
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“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
and now we wait
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug