Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
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A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I missed you with all my darts
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I love snow
– People who never shovel
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.