Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
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Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.