Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
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To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Tier 3 meme
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.