Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
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In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
We decided to have money instead of children.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
so, is there a mister shapen head
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I only eat vegetarians.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.