I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
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Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Hitlers gonna hitl
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.