I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
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If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors