As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
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me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!