I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
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Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
good for her
181.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.