11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
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You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you