[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
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My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
A completely valid reaction tbh
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.