[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
You Might Also Like
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.