Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
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The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.