A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
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Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
My whole life was a lie.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Netflix and you sit over there.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
A leaf blower, but for people.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms