When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
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Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me: