Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Time for evil
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?