going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
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“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!