Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
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[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Bro what is this
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener