Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
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Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.