Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
You Might Also Like
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle