Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
You Might Also Like
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
gm
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Wait for it
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Me too 😆
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.