Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
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There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I’m awake but I object,
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”