Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
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*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
This one’s “Alex”.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Love this guy
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”