GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
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I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?