Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
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Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
From Facebook just now…
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant