[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
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An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.