I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
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me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner