Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
You Might Also Like
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap