A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
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A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Meow?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see