I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
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To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.