Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
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There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
going to the ER y’all need anything
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.