INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
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Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
These work great until they don’t.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?