“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
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*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
A French press is when you hug naked
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.