Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
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Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.