“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
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Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all