You Might Also Like
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
no
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.