Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
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Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
mood
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent