My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
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Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”