I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
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Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Me irl
I cannot stop laughing at this
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old